Sooo.....I am now the proud owner of a POWER PORT....sad to say...it doesn't help me fly. Sorry Little Zachary....still pretty sore but it will be worth it in the long run. I thought that I would share a testimony opportunity that has already been placed in my path. A friend of mine has just found out that her sister was diagnosed with cancer and she has kept it to herself until recently. This friend of mine is the only one who knows at this point and she is afraid that she will do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing and basically feels helpless because she can't fix it. I sent her the following email and after re-reading it thought that it might be good to post here....because it comes from my heart. Many of you have stated.....I don't know what to say or what to do.....you know what...that is totally ok. Sometimes we don't either and it is just one day at a time. Hugs to all!
-------------my email response to her-----------------
It is very very very difficult being “The Cancer Patient”…but the fact of the matter is…you can NOT ignore it and expect it to go away. Hiding yourself in a hole and not letting those around you in feels like a very natural and safe mechanism…trust me…that was me the first time around….but it is not the healthy way to do it AND I am here to tell you that it wreaks havoc on your psychological well-being when you are no longer in “fight” mode with treatments etc. Because then you get the end of that part of your journey and you are no longer busy with scheduling and treatments etc. and then you ARE FORCED to deal with all of the emotions etc. that you have gathered along the way. Granted this is coming from someone who has the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. The first time around….I didn’t tell anyone until I absolutely had to. This time around….it is a struggle for me….but I am selectively letting those around me in. For me, for my family and for them.
The caregiver role is the hardest role to play my friend. I have done both patient and caregiver. I was the caregiver to my mom who died of cancer and her sister as well. At the end of both of those….I had the same feeling…felt like I wasn’t enough of a support, didn’t have the right words, couldn’t do anything to help and therefore was helpless. That was before I was the patient.
Now…being on the other side….I know that as the caregiver….it is important to just be there. There are no right words. It is important to let her be angry, pissed, mad, scared, blank, empty feeling, etc. but it is not ok to let her park her car in the self-pity camp too long.
As a caregiver it is important to listen to her cues when she has talked enough about the cancer and just wants to talk and act normal, it is important to not constantly ask her how she is feeling, it is important to verbalize to her that you don’t know what to say or how to help exactly and that you need her to tell you. It is important that she knows to tell you when you are too much in her space, tell you when she needs you to help play the gatekeeper to all of the well-wishers that will want to see her when she just doesn’t want to see anyone, tell you when she just needs you to just be with her….sometimes….and often times… just silent….but supportive in her presence.
Tell her it is OK to focus on her and that it has to be “all about me” time in order to heal (Boy do I have a hard time with this one!!!) but it isn’t ok to keep out the ones around her that love and care about her. Sometimes we have to remind our parents or siblings or families or friends that it is NOT ABOUT THEM and that it IS about the patient.
It is ok for her to see you cry, to laugh, to be worried and to be strong. We don’t expect our supports/caregivers to always be the strong defender…..sometimes it makes us feel like we may be making a bigger deal out of it then we should be. We need to see you vulnerable and transparent and just willing to walk the road with us and promise to never leave our side….not only our side while we are fighting for our lives….but to NEVER leave our side even after the chemo treatments are over….because the storm continues for us internally recovering from our world just being flipped upside down and physically the chemo affects stay with us for a long time after that.
It takes a while to start to feel kinda normal…but you are never quite the same. You are stronger, wiser, and braver because you have accomplished a task that most cannot even dream about. Your body feels older and IS older from the chemo killing the bad cells as well as the good cells and you always have that little C word in the back of your head somewhere….you just can’t let it give you directions on how to live your life.
My dear friend….please know that I am here. A 2 time cancer survivor…and I say that just getting my official diagnosis of the dreaded C word. Please let your sister know that I am here for her as well. God did not mean for us to do life alone. I am not going to lie to you….this Cancer Journey SUCKS…plain and simple…but it SUCKS less if you have a support system full of love and tenderness and firmness when you need a swift kick to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and make it to the next chemo treatment…or surgery….or scan…or sometimes just to the next hour. I have all the faith in the world that you will be that and more to your sweet sister!!
